Bon Appetit
a play by E. Atwood
a play by E. Atwood
Synopsis: Hilarity ensues as a restaurant’s staff prepares for the arrival of a food critic.
Running Time: 15 minutes.
Running Time: 15 minutes.
CHARACTERS
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK, a chef.
ALLISON OOP, a waitress.
ANDREW MOONBITE, a waiter.
LILAC SMOOTHLY, a customer.
THEODORE THICKETTS, a customer.
CHLOE STAPLETON, a customer.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK, a chef.
ALLISON OOP, a waitress.
ANDREW MOONBITE, a waiter.
LILAC SMOOTHLY, a customer.
THEODORE THICKETTS, a customer.
CHLOE STAPLETON, a customer.
(A restaurant. The two servers, ALLI and ANDY, are setting tables. ALLI drops a fork on the floor. She looks up at ANDY, who shrugs and tosses a handful of forks to the floor. Suddenly the chef, SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK, enters right.)
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
This is it! For my whole life I was waiting for this moment, and now it has come!
ANDY
What’s up, chief?
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Chef, the word is chef. How many times must I tell you, a thousand or once?
ANDY
Once, sir.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Oh, it does not matter! Just now I was speaking on the phone with Miss Babcock of the Daily Paper. They will send their finest restaurant critic, to review my own restaurant — the Bon Appetit — tonight!
ALLI
I guess they’ll be wanting a fork.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Fork, knife, spoon — everything!
ALLI
The works. Got it.
(Phone rings from offstage.)
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Ah, now what can it be!
(SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK exits.)
ANDY
This should be no problem. As long as that fancy critic sits at my table.
ALLI
(Sighing:)
I need a break.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
(Entering:)
Lives of the saints! Why, why can it be?
ANDY
Something wrong, chief?
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Someone calls to tell me that my great rival, Master Chef Franco Karpenstein, will send a spy to the restaurant! To try and steal my secret recipe!
ANDY
A spy?
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Yes, yes! To get the recipe for my world-famous Broccoli Bisque. Heavens of the sky, why must it be tonight? The most important night of my life!
ALLI
Listen, you got nothing to worry about. We’ll keep our eyes open. If anyone comes in here snooping around for recipes, we’ll toss ’em right outta here.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Oh, mercy!
(SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK exits as a customer, LILAC SMOOTHLY, approaches.)
ALLI
A customer!
ANDY
Quick, pick up those forks!
ALLI
Right!
(ALLI kneels on the floor and starts picking up silverware.)
Wait, how come I’m doing this?
ANDY
(Speeding ahead of ALLI to greet the customer:)
Good evening, ma’am, and welcome to the Bon Appetit! My name is Andy, and I’ll be your server for the evening.
LILAC
Lovely, lovely. Do you have any raspberries here?
ANDY
Oh yes, ma’am, we certainly do.
LILAC
Then would you please keep them far away from me? They are disgusting.
ANDY
No problem, ma’am. Let me show you your table right over here. This is your menu, and just let me know if there’s anything at all I can do for you.
ALLI
(Privately, to ANDY:)
What’s the big idea, swiping the first customer?
ANDY
I’m sure she’s the fancy critic. And you heard what the chief said: she deserves only the best.
ALLI
I’ll give you the best smack in the --
(Suddenly realizing that there is a new customer standing directly behind her, ALLI whirls around and quickly changes her tone.)
— Hello, and welcome to the Bon Appetit! Please have a seat right here, and I’ll get you your menu.
THEODORE THICKETTS
Thank you kindly, ma’am.
LILAC
Waiter! Oh, waiter!
ANDY
Yes, ma’am, please tell me, what can I get for you?
LILAC
I’m very curious about this Broccoli Bisque. I’ll have a large bowl.
ANDY
Very good, ma’am, excellent choice.
(ALLI crosses to LILAC’s table, snatches the menu from her hand, crosses back and hands the menu to THICKETTS.)
ALLI
Here’s your menu, sir, and I’ll be back whenever you’re ready.
ANDY
(Crossing upstage to kitchen:)
That’s one order of broccoli bisque, large. — Broccoli Bisque?!
(To ALLI:) That’s the chief’s secret recipe!
ALLI
Ha ha. Serves you right. You thought you were getting the critic, but you got the spy!
ANDY
The spy!
(ANDY exits. Another customer, CHLOE STAPLETON, enters.)
CHLOE
Um, hello?
ALLI
Hello and welcome to the Bon Appetit. Please have a seat and I’ll get you a menu in just a moment.
CHLOE
Thank you.
THICKETTS
Ah, ma’am?
ALLI
Yes, sir, I’m ready to take your order now.
LILAC
Is my soup ready yet?
ANDY
Not yet, but I thought you might like to have a glass of water!
(ANDY throws the glass of water in LILAC’s face. LILAC screams.)
That’s what you get, you dirty dirty spy!
(He sticks out his tongue at her, and stomps upstage. ALLI and THICKETTS briefly consider what has happened, and then continue.)
THICKETTS
Yes, I’d like the broccoli bisque please.
ALLI
Broccoli Bisque!
ANDY
But if he’s the — then she can’t be the — oh dear.
ALLI
(Exiting:)
Wow.
ANDY
(Crossing to LILAC:)
I am so sorry, ma’am. It seems I made a slight mistake.
LILAC
Mistake?
ANDY
Well, of course I didn’t mean to spill water on you. Clumsy me! Clumsy, clumsy, clumsy!
LILAC
You called me a spy. And stuck out your tongue at me.
ANDY
Did I? Oh! I meant, wait till you spy these delicious desserts. Mmm, mmm, mmm!
(He demonstrates sticking out his tongue to lick his lips.)
LILAC
Excuse me! I am going to the ladies’ room to clean up, and then I will have a word with your manager!
(LILAC exits. ALLI enters with soup and brings it to THICKETTS.)
ALLI
Here you go, sir.
CHLOE
Waitress?
ALLI
Yes, ma’am, I’m sorry. What can I get for you?
CHLOE
I don’t know. I’m still waiting for my menu.
ALLI
Oh, I am sorry. It’s been a little crazy around here, and --
THICKETTS
BLEGGGGHHHHERYBOBBS!
ALLI
(Turning around, politely:)
Excuse me, sir, what was that?
THICKETTS
This is the worst soup I’ve ever tasted! It tastes like shoelaces and bubble gum dipped in pickle juice!
ALLI
I apologize, sir. Let me run right back to the kitchen and get you something else, free of charge.
THICKETTS
Ohh, no you don’t! I want to see what’s going on in there!
(THICKETTS crosses toward the kitchen.)
ANDY
(Appearing in front of the kitchen door:)
Ohh no you don’t, sir! You want to see what goes on in there, huh? Could it be, maybe, you want to spy on our super-duper-secret broccoli bisque recipe?!
THICKETTS
I beg your pardon!
ANDY
Yeah, I’ll bet you do.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
(Entering:)
What is going on here?
THICKETTS
This cow-donkey just accused me of trying to steal a recipe!
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Ahh so you are the great spy! Well, you can tell your boss to fall in a basket!
THICKETTS
And you! You call yourself a chef? That was the most nauseating slime I’ve ever eaten! I wouldn’t feed that soup to a pig’s grandmother!
ALLI
…which would also be a pig.
THICKETTS
This is the worst restaurant I’ve ever been to! Bon Appetit? More like bone-headed bumpkins! And the service! Did you ever even get a menu?
CHLOE
No I did not!
THICKETTS
This—is not a restaurant. And you, sir, are not a chef! And these are not waiters! That is not soup!
CHLOE
My menu is not a menu!
ALLI
These chairs are not chairs! This table is not a table!
THICKETTS
I’m leaving! You are all slime-buckets! Goodbye!
(THICKETTS exits.)
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
You are sure he was the spy, yes?
ANDY
He ordered the bisque, and then he tried to get into the kitchen.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Well, then, I am glad he is gone! Ptooey!
ANDY
Ptooey!
ALLI
Ptooey.
LILAC
(Entering:)
Hahahahahahahaha!! I did it! After all these years, I finally got the recipe!
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Who said what?
LILAC
You fools! While you were out here arguing, I walked right into the kitchen and copied down your top-secret recipe for broccoli bisque.
ANDY
You said you were going to the ladies’ room!
LILAC
Well, I lied. And now no one can stop me. Master Chef Franco Karpenstein pays top dollar for top-secret recipes. I’m rich, rich!
ALLI
Quick. Somebody stop her.
LILAC
Goodbye, dummies! Hahahahahhahahaa!!
(LILAC exits.)
ANDY
Well, she’s just mean.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Yes, but the joke is on her. She did not really get my top-secret bisque recipe, because I did not make the real Broccoli Bisque tonight. I knew Karpenstein would send me a spy, so instead of the bisque I cooked my worst recipe: the shoelaces and bubble gum dipped in pickle juice!
ALLI
So that’s why the soup was so terrible.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
I only wish I could see the Master Chef’s face when he realizes he is serving his customers that garbage-slime.
ANDY
Looks like you had the last laugh after all, boss.
ALLI
But if she was the spy, then that other guy--
ANDY
He must have been--
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
The fancy critic! Oh my goodness. Oh, thunder of the clouds! What will I do? The critic from the Daily Paper, he called me a bumpkin. He called you a cow-donkey! He said my restaurant is not a restaurant! Oh, my life is over. The dream of many years, in the garbage dumpster.
(SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK curls up on the floor and cries:)
Why, why must the misery come to my life? All I dreamed since I was a baby-child was to give happiness with a piece of food. Why, why, why??
(After a dramatic silence, CHLOE stands up and slowly starts clapping.)
CHLOE
That—was the best performance I’ve ever seen.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
What is now?
CHLOE
I’ve heard of dinner theatre, but this was phenomenal. The drama, the joy, the agony! In all the years I’ve been reviewing restaurants, I’ve never seen anything like it.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Then you are—?
CHLOE
Chloe Stapleton of the Daily Paper. Good to meet you.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Of the Daily Paper! And you—you like my restaurant?
CHLOE
You’ll have to wait till next week for my full review, but here’s a sneak preview.
(Reading from a note pad:)
“The Bon Appetit is more than just a restaurant. It is a total sensory experience, complete with sarcastic and obsequious waiters, screaming customers, espionage and intrigue, and histrionic chefs. This is the only restaurant in town where you can watch the head chef have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the floor. I loved it!”
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Oh, thank you! Thank you! I thank you from my heart, my soul, the bottom of my head, both of my arms…
CHLOE
It is my pleasure.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Please tell me now, if there is anything I can do for you.
CHLOE
Well, I would kind of like to see a menu.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Waiters! Give this customer our finest menu!
ANDY
Yes sir!
(ANDY exits to find a menu.)
CHLOE
And to start, I certainly want to check out that Broccoli Bisque.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
(Exiting:)
Right away ma’am!
ALLI
Well, if you want to try the bisque, I’ve got a nice bowl of it right here…
OTHERS
Nooo...
(ALLI carries the bowl from THICKETTS’ table to CHLOE’s. Curtain.)
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
This is it! For my whole life I was waiting for this moment, and now it has come!
ANDY
What’s up, chief?
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Chef, the word is chef. How many times must I tell you, a thousand or once?
ANDY
Once, sir.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Oh, it does not matter! Just now I was speaking on the phone with Miss Babcock of the Daily Paper. They will send their finest restaurant critic, to review my own restaurant — the Bon Appetit — tonight!
ALLI
I guess they’ll be wanting a fork.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Fork, knife, spoon — everything!
ALLI
The works. Got it.
(Phone rings from offstage.)
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Ah, now what can it be!
(SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK exits.)
ANDY
This should be no problem. As long as that fancy critic sits at my table.
ALLI
(Sighing:)
I need a break.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
(Entering:)
Lives of the saints! Why, why can it be?
ANDY
Something wrong, chief?
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Someone calls to tell me that my great rival, Master Chef Franco Karpenstein, will send a spy to the restaurant! To try and steal my secret recipe!
ANDY
A spy?
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Yes, yes! To get the recipe for my world-famous Broccoli Bisque. Heavens of the sky, why must it be tonight? The most important night of my life!
ALLI
Listen, you got nothing to worry about. We’ll keep our eyes open. If anyone comes in here snooping around for recipes, we’ll toss ’em right outta here.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Oh, mercy!
(SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK exits as a customer, LILAC SMOOTHLY, approaches.)
ALLI
A customer!
ANDY
Quick, pick up those forks!
ALLI
Right!
(ALLI kneels on the floor and starts picking up silverware.)
Wait, how come I’m doing this?
ANDY
(Speeding ahead of ALLI to greet the customer:)
Good evening, ma’am, and welcome to the Bon Appetit! My name is Andy, and I’ll be your server for the evening.
LILAC
Lovely, lovely. Do you have any raspberries here?
ANDY
Oh yes, ma’am, we certainly do.
LILAC
Then would you please keep them far away from me? They are disgusting.
ANDY
No problem, ma’am. Let me show you your table right over here. This is your menu, and just let me know if there’s anything at all I can do for you.
ALLI
(Privately, to ANDY:)
What’s the big idea, swiping the first customer?
ANDY
I’m sure she’s the fancy critic. And you heard what the chief said: she deserves only the best.
ALLI
I’ll give you the best smack in the --
(Suddenly realizing that there is a new customer standing directly behind her, ALLI whirls around and quickly changes her tone.)
— Hello, and welcome to the Bon Appetit! Please have a seat right here, and I’ll get you your menu.
THEODORE THICKETTS
Thank you kindly, ma’am.
LILAC
Waiter! Oh, waiter!
ANDY
Yes, ma’am, please tell me, what can I get for you?
LILAC
I’m very curious about this Broccoli Bisque. I’ll have a large bowl.
ANDY
Very good, ma’am, excellent choice.
(ALLI crosses to LILAC’s table, snatches the menu from her hand, crosses back and hands the menu to THICKETTS.)
ALLI
Here’s your menu, sir, and I’ll be back whenever you’re ready.
ANDY
(Crossing upstage to kitchen:)
That’s one order of broccoli bisque, large. — Broccoli Bisque?!
(To ALLI:) That’s the chief’s secret recipe!
ALLI
Ha ha. Serves you right. You thought you were getting the critic, but you got the spy!
ANDY
The spy!
(ANDY exits. Another customer, CHLOE STAPLETON, enters.)
CHLOE
Um, hello?
ALLI
Hello and welcome to the Bon Appetit. Please have a seat and I’ll get you a menu in just a moment.
CHLOE
Thank you.
THICKETTS
Ah, ma’am?
ALLI
Yes, sir, I’m ready to take your order now.
LILAC
Is my soup ready yet?
ANDY
Not yet, but I thought you might like to have a glass of water!
(ANDY throws the glass of water in LILAC’s face. LILAC screams.)
That’s what you get, you dirty dirty spy!
(He sticks out his tongue at her, and stomps upstage. ALLI and THICKETTS briefly consider what has happened, and then continue.)
THICKETTS
Yes, I’d like the broccoli bisque please.
ALLI
Broccoli Bisque!
ANDY
But if he’s the — then she can’t be the — oh dear.
ALLI
(Exiting:)
Wow.
ANDY
(Crossing to LILAC:)
I am so sorry, ma’am. It seems I made a slight mistake.
LILAC
Mistake?
ANDY
Well, of course I didn’t mean to spill water on you. Clumsy me! Clumsy, clumsy, clumsy!
LILAC
You called me a spy. And stuck out your tongue at me.
ANDY
Did I? Oh! I meant, wait till you spy these delicious desserts. Mmm, mmm, mmm!
(He demonstrates sticking out his tongue to lick his lips.)
LILAC
Excuse me! I am going to the ladies’ room to clean up, and then I will have a word with your manager!
(LILAC exits. ALLI enters with soup and brings it to THICKETTS.)
ALLI
Here you go, sir.
CHLOE
Waitress?
ALLI
Yes, ma’am, I’m sorry. What can I get for you?
CHLOE
I don’t know. I’m still waiting for my menu.
ALLI
Oh, I am sorry. It’s been a little crazy around here, and --
THICKETTS
BLEGGGGHHHHERYBOBBS!
ALLI
(Turning around, politely:)
Excuse me, sir, what was that?
THICKETTS
This is the worst soup I’ve ever tasted! It tastes like shoelaces and bubble gum dipped in pickle juice!
ALLI
I apologize, sir. Let me run right back to the kitchen and get you something else, free of charge.
THICKETTS
Ohh, no you don’t! I want to see what’s going on in there!
(THICKETTS crosses toward the kitchen.)
ANDY
(Appearing in front of the kitchen door:)
Ohh no you don’t, sir! You want to see what goes on in there, huh? Could it be, maybe, you want to spy on our super-duper-secret broccoli bisque recipe?!
THICKETTS
I beg your pardon!
ANDY
Yeah, I’ll bet you do.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
(Entering:)
What is going on here?
THICKETTS
This cow-donkey just accused me of trying to steal a recipe!
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Ahh so you are the great spy! Well, you can tell your boss to fall in a basket!
THICKETTS
And you! You call yourself a chef? That was the most nauseating slime I’ve ever eaten! I wouldn’t feed that soup to a pig’s grandmother!
ALLI
…which would also be a pig.
THICKETTS
This is the worst restaurant I’ve ever been to! Bon Appetit? More like bone-headed bumpkins! And the service! Did you ever even get a menu?
CHLOE
No I did not!
THICKETTS
This—is not a restaurant. And you, sir, are not a chef! And these are not waiters! That is not soup!
CHLOE
My menu is not a menu!
ALLI
These chairs are not chairs! This table is not a table!
THICKETTS
I’m leaving! You are all slime-buckets! Goodbye!
(THICKETTS exits.)
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
You are sure he was the spy, yes?
ANDY
He ordered the bisque, and then he tried to get into the kitchen.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Well, then, I am glad he is gone! Ptooey!
ANDY
Ptooey!
ALLI
Ptooey.
LILAC
(Entering:)
Hahahahahahahaha!! I did it! After all these years, I finally got the recipe!
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Who said what?
LILAC
You fools! While you were out here arguing, I walked right into the kitchen and copied down your top-secret recipe for broccoli bisque.
ANDY
You said you were going to the ladies’ room!
LILAC
Well, I lied. And now no one can stop me. Master Chef Franco Karpenstein pays top dollar for top-secret recipes. I’m rich, rich!
ALLI
Quick. Somebody stop her.
LILAC
Goodbye, dummies! Hahahahahhahahaa!!
(LILAC exits.)
ANDY
Well, she’s just mean.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Yes, but the joke is on her. She did not really get my top-secret bisque recipe, because I did not make the real Broccoli Bisque tonight. I knew Karpenstein would send me a spy, so instead of the bisque I cooked my worst recipe: the shoelaces and bubble gum dipped in pickle juice!
ALLI
So that’s why the soup was so terrible.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
I only wish I could see the Master Chef’s face when he realizes he is serving his customers that garbage-slime.
ANDY
Looks like you had the last laugh after all, boss.
ALLI
But if she was the spy, then that other guy--
ANDY
He must have been--
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
The fancy critic! Oh my goodness. Oh, thunder of the clouds! What will I do? The critic from the Daily Paper, he called me a bumpkin. He called you a cow-donkey! He said my restaurant is not a restaurant! Oh, my life is over. The dream of many years, in the garbage dumpster.
(SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK curls up on the floor and cries:)
Why, why must the misery come to my life? All I dreamed since I was a baby-child was to give happiness with a piece of food. Why, why, why??
(After a dramatic silence, CHLOE stands up and slowly starts clapping.)
CHLOE
That—was the best performance I’ve ever seen.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
What is now?
CHLOE
I’ve heard of dinner theatre, but this was phenomenal. The drama, the joy, the agony! In all the years I’ve been reviewing restaurants, I’ve never seen anything like it.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Then you are—?
CHLOE
Chloe Stapleton of the Daily Paper. Good to meet you.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Of the Daily Paper! And you—you like my restaurant?
CHLOE
You’ll have to wait till next week for my full review, but here’s a sneak preview.
(Reading from a note pad:)
“The Bon Appetit is more than just a restaurant. It is a total sensory experience, complete with sarcastic and obsequious waiters, screaming customers, espionage and intrigue, and histrionic chefs. This is the only restaurant in town where you can watch the head chef have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the floor. I loved it!”
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Oh, thank you! Thank you! I thank you from my heart, my soul, the bottom of my head, both of my arms…
CHLOE
It is my pleasure.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Please tell me now, if there is anything I can do for you.
CHLOE
Well, I would kind of like to see a menu.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
Waiters! Give this customer our finest menu!
ANDY
Yes sir!
(ANDY exits to find a menu.)
CHLOE
And to start, I certainly want to check out that Broccoli Bisque.
SAINT-JOHN ASTERISK
(Exiting:)
Right away ma’am!
ALLI
Well, if you want to try the bisque, I’ve got a nice bowl of it right here…
OTHERS
Nooo...
(ALLI carries the bowl from THICKETTS’ table to CHLOE’s. Curtain.)